


Case of the Shadowy Lampshade

by extra_Mt



Series: Barbed Wire and Jasmine AU [2]
Category: Gentleman Jack (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, April Fools' Day, Comedy, F/F, Marian the Prankster, Pure foolery, Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:36:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23430070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extra_Mt/pseuds/extra_Mt
Summary: Things not to include when pulling April Fool's pranks on Anne Lister. Nail polish, sushi, whoopee cushions… and most importantly, Marian. 😈 A story in which none of the three is very smart.
Relationships: Anne Lister (1791-1840)/Ann Walker (1803-1854)
Series: Barbed Wire and Jasmine AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1722958
Comments: 18
Kudos: 59





	Case of the Shadowy Lampshade

**Author's Note:**

> A one-shot from my Barbed Wire and Jasmine AU. But you can enjoy this as a stand-alone fic. For those of you who follow the AU, this is the direction that story is taking ;) 

Everything was in place. The food looked delectable, and the cushions on the chairs looked shiny and soft. Ann looked down at the dining table and adjusted the positions of the plates for the umpteenth time even though it was unnecessary. She realised she was biting her nails out of nervousness. She had never done this before, but she really wanted this to succeed. 

Argus leisurely came to stand next to her.

Ann bent forward and squished his face. "We are going to have so much fun tonight, baby boy," she said in baby talk. 

Both of them lit up when they heard the entrance door creak open. Ann followed Argus, and caught Anne just in the middle of taking her great coat off in the graceful manner that only Anne was capable of.

But then, a slight huff fell from her lips. A sign of irritation.

Ann walked up to her and gave a peck on the lips. "How was your day?" 

"Not pleasant. Some idiot thought it would be funny to slap an apology note on my car, saying they'd accidentally hit it. And then, I start looking for the damage and see nothing. I look at the other side of the note, and it says 'Got ya!'"

This was off to a terrible start, Ann thought. "It's a prank. It's the first day of April? April Fool’s Day, you know?"

"Yes, I was made aware. Utterly absurd. I struggle to understand what these idiots find so amusing about inflicting such inconvenience on strangers. I wasted five minutes on this." 

_Mission abort!_ the little voice in Ann's head screamed over the blaring sound of an alarm that also went off in her head. This was, after all, not a good plan. 

"Anyhow," Anne said, taking off her gloves and scarf. "How's your day been, lovely lady?"

"Um, well." Ann gave an awkward laugh. "Good. Good, yes. Let's eat. You'll forget about this once your stomach is full."

"Sounds like a plan." Anne put a hand at the back of Ann's neck and kissed her on the forehead. "I'll go wash my hands."

Ann went back into the dining room, while Anne strode to the bathroom. So, this was not a good plan to execute, Ann calculated. She should've known better when Marian had suggested they pull April Fool’s pranks on Anne. It had sounded fun in theory, but they had failed to consider the most volatile factor of the equation-- Anne. 

The faint sound of running water reached her ears. It was only then when the realisation hit her-- There was a prank set in the bathroom. As she hurried down the hallway, she heard Anne's muttering.

"Um, Adney?" she sounded confused.

Too late. Ann cringed. Peeking inside, sure enough, she saw Anne scrubbing the palm of her hand with a bar of soap, with a gradually frustrated expression.

"I'm so sorry," Ann said, rushing to open the cabinets. "It doesn't lather up, I know. Marian and I coated it with nail polish." She grabbed a new bar of soap and handed it to her. 

"Why would you-- Marian was here?" Anne grimaced as she received the soap and washed her hands. "She never told me that. Where's she now?"

"Um, back in Halifax."

"What on earth was she doing in the city?"

"Nothing. She just came to... do this." Ann waved a hand, gesturing vaguely to their surroundings.

Anne's confusion only deepened. "Why would she get on the train from Halifax just to coat a bar of soap with nail polish? Has she finally gone insane?"

"No-- You know what? Forget it. We were just having fun." Ann smiled and led her out of the bathroom and to the dining room. 

It was a sushi night. 

Anne made them both stand by the table, holding her hands. "I appreciate that Marian keeps you entertained in my absence."

"Yeah." Ann nodded like a child that was being expostulated.

"But you have to keep in mind that she's like a factory of bad ideas. There's a six-year-old boy living in her head. You have to be the adult."

"I know." Ann nodded, but quickly added, "Well, not that-- I'm not agreeing with you that she's like a toddler." 

But her attempt to protect her friend's dignity was cut short as Anne picked a sushi roll from the plate and put it in her mouth. Her brown eyes went wide the next moment, filled with tears, before she choked, covering her mouth with her hand.

Only then did Ann remember. "Oh, no--"

Anne had no choice but to spit it into her hand. "What is this?" She scrunched up her nose at the green and white chunk.

"You got the wasabi roll."

"The what?"

"I filled one of them with wasabi."

"Why?"

"For April Fool’s… Sushi Russian roulette-- I'll fetch water for you." Ann ran to the kitchen.

She grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and poured it into a glass. How had she forgotten about the sushi prank? She knew she was rather in panic mode, her mind in such shambles that it itself made aggravated her panic. She knew there was something more that was slipping out of her mind-- She heard the sound of breaking of wind.

Oh, no.

Back in the dining room, Anne was now seated, staring blankly at a flaccid whoopee cushion that she had pulled out from under the cushion. Ann approached cautiously and handed her the glass of water. But it looked like Anne had forgotten about the sting of wasabi up her nose.

"I'm sorry," Ann said as she sat down. "I was just-- I completely forgot about that. If I'd known you'd be so tired--"

Anne didn't say a word. She let the whoopee cushion fall to the floor unceremoniously. 

"Please don't be cross."

Still, silence. With her clenched fists and forearms on the table, Anne hung her head down and released a long breath through her nose. 

_She is going to lose it_ , Ann thought. She had seen Anne's wrath many times before, and it wasn't a secret that the scary-boss Anne Lister rather turned her on. But not once had the furious glare been directed at her. She was going to pee her pants. 

One moment passed. Anne's shoulders began to shake, her fists tightening. But, to Ann's puzzlement and disquiet, those broad shoulders didn't cease to shake and, in fact, were shaking more and more. As Ann was about to utter a word of concern, a faint chuckle echoed. Anne burst into laughter.

Ann wasn't sure whether to laugh with her or to be worried for her life.

"Oh, Adney," Anne said, trying to control her laughter. "You're probably the only one on Earth who could make me laugh after such a crappy day."

"Oh." A sense of relief washed over her. "Oh." She finally allowed herself to laugh with her lover.

“April Fool’s, huh?”

Ann gave a meek nod.

“With Marian. Who would have thought?”

“She only suggested it yesterday. I didn’t even realise March was over-- And even if I had, I’ve never thought about ever pulling a prank on someone let alone you--”

Anne chuckled again. “It’s fine. Let us eat. I’m famished. Although…” She snared a sushi roll with her chopsticks, examined it from various angles, and gave it a sniff before putting it in her mouth. She then shrugged.

Ann picked up her chopsticks as well. “It was the only wasabi roll. The rest is the regular spicy tuna.”

“Are you sure?” Anne said with a teasing smile. 

“I am. I promise. No more pranks.” 

“Pinky promise?”

Ann extended her arm over the table and let Anne lock their pinkies. “Pinky promise.”

...

They finished dinner, did the dishes together, and took Argus for a night walk. 

When they returned home, Anne hung both of their coats on the rack in the foyer.

“What a day,” Anne said. “Are you going to tell Marian how the pranks went?”

“Well, I will have to. She said she would call me.”

“You two can be so handful together. You mustn’t encourage her so.” Despite her words, she had a smile gracing her features. 

Ann couldn’t help but return the smile. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Hmm, I still see some naughtiness in your eyes.” Anne wrapped her arm around her waist and pulled her closer, their lower bodies touching. “I think what you need is proper punishment, Miss Walker.” She brushed her lips against Ann’s. 

Ann felt her knees weaken. In contrast, the heat in her lower abdomen was growing stronger. “I’d like that,” she said.

They claimed each other’s lips as they waltzed up the stairs. Anne unzipped Ann’s dress with skilful hands, while Ann barely managed to unbutton her shirt. Her head was swimming. Anne’s touch, no matter how Ann though she had gotten used to it, always made her feel like drowning in the sea of unbearable serenity and bliss. 

By the time they stumbled into the bathroom, Ann was only in her undergarment. Anne turned on the water and shifted her attention back to Ann, tugging the remaining article of clothing down her legs. Now completely bare, Ann did the same for her. First the shirt, and unbuckling her belt, the trousers and the boy shorts, and finally the sports bra. Ann always liked to save Anne’s bra for last. 

They stepped into the hot shower.

“Hmm, this is nice.” Anne kissed her as her hands roamed everywhere. “How shall I punish you?” Her lips found the skin at the base of her neck. 

Ann closed her eyes, her hands on Anne’s shoulders for support. She could practically see Anne’s big hands slithering all over her body, to her chest, to her waist, to her hips--

But these hands stopped just close to where Ann wanted them. She opened her eyes, and saw Anne frowning and blinking in confusion.

“What’s that smell?” Anne said.

Ann smelled it, too. In the scents of the shampoo and body soap, there was a hint--which was growing more and more obvious--of something else. Something that didn’t quite belong in the bathroom. Something-- Ann realised what it was. 

“No, no.” She turned around in Anne’s arms and turned off the water. She watched the slightly brownish water go down the drain. “It’s a bouillon cube, in the shower head.” She reached for said shower head, uncapped it, and sure enough, found an almost completely dissolved bouillon cube.

“What-- Why--” Anne stammered. “I thought you said there weren’t any more pranks?”

“I did. Well, I thought there weren’t. It’s Marian, I swear. We ruled this out because I knew it would annoy you.”

“And you thought the other pranks wouldn’t?”

“Well--” Ann gave up her attempt to explain, as she couldn’t even articulate it herself. 

“Let’s just,” Anne said, waving a dismissive hand, “shower, okay? I’m getting cold in here.”

They did just that, what was left of the eroticism going down the drain with the soapy water. And they went to the bedroom in the same sober state. Ann wouldn’t get it tonight, that was for sure. How heartbreakingly disappointing.

“Listen--” Ann said as they stood by the bed. “I’m sorry. It was a ridiculous idea.”

“I’m glad we are on the same page,” Anne said. “But I’m not cross with you, alright? It was Marian--”

Ann screeched and clung to Anne’s arm. 

“What? What is it?”

Anne had turned on the bedside lamp, and there was a silhouette of a large insect on the lampshade. But as soon as Ann registered it, she let go of Anne. 

“Ah, nothing. It’s--” She gestured at the lamp. “It’s a fake bug.”

Anne glanced at it and heaved a sigh of exasperation. “Bloody Marian.”

“No-- It was me. I put it there. I just… forgot about it.”

The look of mild judgement Anne gave her was justifiable in every way. 

Ann glanced at the bug’s silhouette before taking timid steps towards it. She stared at it, and then threw Anne a pleading look. “I know it’s fake, but… Can you remove it?”

Anne seemed to suppress a smile, biting her bottom lip that was quivering. She kissed Ann on the cheek anyhow and, towering over the lamp, flicked her middle finger at the shade. A white paper cutout of a bug fell to the nightstand. 

“Thank you,” Ann said.

They both sat on the bed.

“I hope it’s taught you a valuable lesson,” Anne said as she pressed her lips to the back of Ann’s hand.

“It has.” Ann smiled. “Sorry.”

It was when Anne’s phone buzzed. She rolled her eyes at the screen. “Speak of the devil. Let’s see what she has to say." She accepted the call. “Marian. You’re on speaker. Ann’s with me.”

"No, this is not Marian," Marian said in a Vaderesque voice. "I'm her abductor. If your want her back with every limb attached to her body--"

“Oh, good,” Anne said. “Thank you for doing this world a service. In that case, I shall go--”

“Now, wait a minute,” Marian said in her normal voice. “You’re no fun.”

“What do you expect? You broke into my house, inveigled Ann into being your accomplice, and put a bloody--” She turned to Ann. “What is it called?”

“A bouillon cube,” Ann said.

“Put a bloody bouillon cube in the shower head.”

“First of all,” Marian said, “it’s not your house, per se. You moved into Annie’s house. Second of all, I did not break in or en-bagel her in any way.”

Anne pinched the bridge of her nose. “Inveigle, Marian. Not--” A sigh. “Why can't you pull a normal prank?”

“How else would I bond with my sister? I did it for love.”

“So much for sibling love. Now I stink.”

"You mean you smell delicious."

"No, it's disgusting."

Ann spoke, "I told you not to do that, Marian. My hair smells like soup, too."

"You showered together? Pff. That'll teach ya, being intimate at home when nobody’s around.” Marian laughed like a cartoon villain. “Have you gone to the bedroom yet?”

Anne exchanged a look with Ann. “Yes, we are in the bedroom, and yes, the fake cockroach on the lampshade made her scream like a child. Thank you.”

"I didn't scream," Ann mumbled, trying in vain to defend herself.

“That’s it?” Marian said and cackled again. “Hmm. You’re in for a nice surprise.”

Anne grimaced. “Are you telling me there’s more?”

“Oh, no. No, I’m not saying that. Sweet dreams, girls.” With that, Marian hung up.

Anne tossed her phone onto the mattress. “I’m so tired. Why is she always so extra energetic?”

But Ann’s mind was somewhere else. She was thinking about Marian’s enigmatic words. “I think…” She didn’t bother to finish her sentence and instead lifted Anne’s pillow. Just as she predicted, there was another whoopee cushion under there.

“Oh, good Lord,” Anne said. 

Ann chuckled, feeling proud of herself for saving her lover. “I knew it because Marian had more than one of these. I assumed she’d brought the others back home.”

“Well, aren’t you a clever woman?” Anne let her head sink into the pillow.

“I am. You can thank me now.” Ann lay on top of her for a kiss.

It didn’t take much time for it to turn into a heated makeout session. They moaned into each other’s mouth, hands undoing their bathrobes. It exhilarated Ann more than usual. She had thought Anne would be too cross to give her a kiss tonight. Though their bed smelled a bit of bouillon cube, it didn’t even occur to her to complain when Anne was kissing her like that.

Anne made her roll onto her back. Her head hit the pillow. A farting sound echoed in the room. They both froze.

Ann felt her cheeks flush. “It wasn’t me! It was--” Too mortified to even try to find a word, she stuck her hand underneath the pillow and found yet another whoopee cushion. “Ugh, Marian!”

Anne was laughing now, almost hysterically, with her forehead on Ann’s chest.

“Don’t laugh!”

“But it’s so funny.” 

Her laughter was infectious, and Ann found herself chuckling with her. If she was honest, it was her fault to believe Marian would go easy on her anyway. How silly. Marian loved both Ann and Anne equally like this. 

Despite everything, it turned out to be a really good idea to listen to her silly ideas.

…

Next day, Lister was rummaging through the alcohol cabinet when she heard a yelp coming from the living room.

“Anne? Anne? Please, come back.” Ann sounded as though she was on the verge of tears. 

Lister left her wine glass on the kitchen counter and ran to her. She saw Ann hugging her knees to her chest on one end of the sofa, looking fearfully at the lamp on the other side of it. A silhouette of a bug on the lampshade.

"Oh, Adney, it's just another prank of Marian." Lister sat on the sofa to hug her. 

"Are you sure?" Ann hid her face in Lister's neck, but still kept a dubious eye on the bug. "I think I saw it move." 

"No, I'm sure. Look." Lister scooted up towards the lamp and flicked her middle finger at the shade in the same manner she'd done the previous night. It didn't fall, though. "Hmm. Maybe it is a real bug."

"No." Ann turned her back on the lamp and buried her face in her knees. That was her hiding strategy.

Lister chuckled and stuck her hand inside the shade, peeling off the white paper, and showed it to Ann. "See? It's just paper."

Ann threw a glance at it at the speed of light first, and looked a bit more closely through one squinted eye. At last, she studied it with both of her eyes and let out a deep groan, resting her head on the back of the sofa. 

"Scared of paper, miss?" Lister teased.

With flushed cheeks, she turned her head away. "Of course, not." 

Unbeknownst to her, Lister’s lips curled into a tiny grin. That was enough for revenge, she thought.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know which part you enjoyed!


End file.
